i've been thinking a lot about the holidays. when i was a kid, i would count down the days till christmas with one of those paper-chains, where you tear off a link for every day. and we had one of those calendars where there is a little door you can open for every day in december, to show how many days are left until christmas.

now, i feel like i get worked up waiting for christmas...worrying if i have all of my presents bought, sending out christmas cards, and worrying about how much i'll be eating all through the holiday season. and i don't really even get excited about the presents. how depressing is that? why don't i look forward to presents any more? i mean, what happens to us as we get older that makes us stodgy and stressed?

i'm beginning to think that part of it is the mystery. when you are a kid, you have no idea what awesome things you are going to get, it might be a new bike, it might be a keyboard (that's what i got when i was in fourth grade), or even something you didn't ask for, but is equally awesome. i remember opening a pair of underwear wrapped in christmas paper and getting excited about it!

but now, and for the past few years, there's no mystery. all of you presents were exactly what you asked for, because people want to be sure that you are satisfied with their gift. even my boyfriend and i, we knew what we were getting each other last year, and while it was great because i really wanted my new camera, it was a bit anti-climactic.

so now what satisfies the christmas spirit? for me, it's usually the little traditions (which are all changing too) like the food we eat at dinner or reading the paper with my dad after we've opened all the presents. or having cosmos and playing board games with my family, that always seems to be a highlight.

and i've decided this year to be excited about my own things, like my first christmas tree in my own apartment. wrapping presents with wrapping paper that i bought, and checking people off my christmas list and feeling great about what i got them. i can't wait to see my sister, or my neice, or my dad open their gift, and know that i put my heart into it.

maybe that's the part that gets to me, the idea that now it's all on my own, and i don't have the security blanket of my parents to make christmas what it is. i have to do it on my own.

but...i'm still staying at their house on christmas eve...i'll be damned if i wake up on christmas morning alone!

happy holiday season :)